God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!