God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…