Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

shit just got real

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.