Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.