{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.