Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.