Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

me hooking up with my ex