@Browtweaten

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

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@zachheltzel

Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.

@laurenmacdonald

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

@prufrockluvsong

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

@girlontapas

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

@TheHatStore

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

@TattleTSister

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

@iGreenMonk

Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.

@Bedlam_Beersie

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time