Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time