god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Love this one 😂🧟
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?