god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out