god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
⚰
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
cat faces on other animals, a thread
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.