Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.