GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

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It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge


[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes


*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*


Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.


GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank


HR: You can’t urinate outside.

Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away?

HR: Can you take a drug test?

Me: Nope, I’m all out of urine


“Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?” “I don’t know son, I don’t know.”


I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.


[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE