It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.
GOOD COP: Crazy girlfriend? I know how THAT is
BAD COP: He’s trying to get on your side so you confess
GOOD COP: Jesus Christ, Frank
HR: You can’t urinate outside.
Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away?
HR: Can you take a drug test?
Me: Nope, I’m all out of urine
“Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?” “I don’t know son, I don’t know.”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop