GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
You Might Also Like
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Practicing safe sax
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends