GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.