@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

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@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?

ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.

@AndyJokedAgain

me: i can’t see you anymore

her: omigod why not

me: i can’t find my glasses

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

@jellybnbonanza

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

@KPsych29

“Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.”-You, counting your lucky stars.

@anerdonfire2

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

@notshivi

The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.