HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?
ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.
God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
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me: i can’t see you anymore
her: omigod why not
me: i can’t find my glasses
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
“Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.”-You, counting your lucky stars.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
The year is 2075.
A student asks how World War 3 began.
The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”
Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.