Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

ㅤ

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when