The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
This hospital has everything
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.