@shariv67: God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.
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@AbbyHasIssues: "Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.
@sarahkendzior: My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under "affiliation" on the form she wrote "Sarah's mom" 😂
@ArfMeasures: GF: So we just wanted to say we're engaged! HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first ME: You're not really my type though
@MazMHussain: Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don't eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.