‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
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Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Worst perfume name ever.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero