‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
still the best tweet of the year by far
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
courtroom exchange of the day
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
shut up and take my money
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!