‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
You Might Also Like
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?