Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Brother?

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Customer is always right

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times