God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
handsome & gretel
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.