Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!