Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.