God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I already tried new things thanks.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
When he asks for feet pics
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SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead