Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter