GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
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Every haunted house movie:
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS