Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

why am I working on Labor Day

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.