God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.