Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Ugh but profoundly

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

*has no idea what a book even is*

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.