God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

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Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did


Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.


Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.


“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.


“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”



I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.


Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.


I always have too much month left at the end of my money.