God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
You Might Also Like
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Cold.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great