God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
these can’t be my only options
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas