Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.