God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
You Might Also Like
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.