God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[shakes fist at other fist]
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.