Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

i want it utterly assaulted.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.