Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.