God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall