God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
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To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Best spot.. 😅
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do