Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

Care for your back

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.