God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
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Social Media and Real life
me at a party:
*eats*
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*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
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*repeat for duration of party*
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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*go back once more*
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill