@socksandsamdals

god: let there be light

plant: looks tasty

god: what

plant: can i eat it?

god: well no-

plant: i think im gonna eat it

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@notalogin

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

@Rhythms_n_Booze

Cop: What’s the hurry?

Me: Nothing officer – Just didn’t want to slow you down.

Cop: I was pulling you over.

Me: Well I get that. Now.

@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random

@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@wickedimproper

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

@michaelianblack

Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.