god: let there be light

plant: looks tasty

god: what

plant: can i eat it?

god: well no-

plant: i think im gonna eat it

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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.


Cop: What’s the hurry?

Me: Nothing officer – Just didn’t want to slow you down.

Cop: I was pulling you over.

Me: Well I get that. Now.


Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.


Cop: Know why I stopped you?




Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no


judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f


Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random


If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.


I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”


Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)


Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.