Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
god: let there be light
plant: looks tasty
plant: can i eat it?
god: well no-
plant: i think im gonna eat it
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Cop: What’s the hurry?
Me: Nothing officer – Just didn’t want to slow you down.
Cop: I was pulling you over.
Me: Well I get that. Now.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random
If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.