Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

okay run it by me one more time

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance