Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”