GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
And that about sums it up.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe