GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Breakfast in bed.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat