GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Breaking news:
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’