GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
You Might Also Like
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
*puts words between two asterisks*
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
no
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.