God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay