God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’