God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.