Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up