Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.