God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.![]()
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
what’s more important?
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
That’s classic.
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Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.