Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea