Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Jogging

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Dear Lord..

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

satan: not today, microsoft teams

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

this is 10/10 content no notes

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …