Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Love is always patient and kind.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

He’s dead

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.