Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Never deleting this app.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*