God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Lol.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.