God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
