God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
We all have our pet causes.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
listen closely
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
