God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
