Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me