*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
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When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
The smoothest fall of all time
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you