Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?