Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?