Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir