God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
By Kate Hatos
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Twitter fine art
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
We will use anything but the metric system
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question