God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction